You do have to hand it to Lance Armstrong and Oprah Winfrey, two icons — one disgraced, the other faded — who have found a way to milk several days’ worth of attention out of awaiting the Great Confession. The good news is, we have been dripped on by the leak that Armstrong did indeed admit he used performance-enhancing drugs. In other news: the world is round. That gives us two more days to figure out where the Oprah Winfrey Network is in our cable lineup before Thursday’s broadcast, which is now being dragged out into a “two-night event,” so a few people might remember it exists for another day. The bad news is, the interview has been taped, so all of our great suggestions for what Winfrey should ask Armstrong are going to go for naught. Had she only called first.
Perhaps she knew our first recommendation for a question would be: Lance, many actual journalists have covered you and cycling’s doping fiasco for many years, so why aren’t you talking to one of them instead of me? Do you really think I am going to be a total marshmallow, as I was interviewing that poor, duped Marion Jones?
It is the potential marshmallow factor that is making people pre-cringe. The Times of London tried to help, placing a full-page ad in The Chicago Tribune so the longtime Armstrong nemesis David Walsh could suggest the proper questions. This comes as part of a modest victory lap by Walsh, and by The Times, which stands at the head of the litigation line to recover a libel judgment awarded to Armstrong. There were more recommendations for tough questions by Betsy Andreu, another of those who have been piercing the Armstrong legend for years, which she wrote for The Daily News. Dan Wetzel of Yahoo.com offers some of his own, many dealing with the people, like Andreu, whom Armstrong tried for years to ruin.
As athlete-redemption interviews go, this one is going to be tricky. For one, as Howard Kurtz points out on CNN.com, Winfrey’s faded star is almost as much on the line as Armstrong’s extinguished one. If she falls into the feared empathy-and-tears mode, she could send everyone rushing for a nausea remedy. And turning the now notoriously ruthless Armstrong into a poor tortured soul will require some sort of exorcism first, because, as Dave Zirin points out in The Nation, Armstrong “makes Rahm Emanuel look like Tickle Me Elmo.” This is why, even before he has seen the interview, Foxsports.com’s Greg Couch is convinced that the confession stage of Armstrong’s career is as cold and calculating as the rest of it.
Do you remember a while back when Tiger Woods did his completely staged Mea Culpa? He came out in a shirt some soulless PR peon picked out for him and told us all how sorry he was.
I always thought that he should have come out with a big bag of money and a couple of hookers on his arms. He should have admitted that he liked to gamble and fuck hookers. He could have told us all to mind our own fucking business and rode off to BJ town with a bottle of Cristal and more money in his couch cushions than we’ll all make in our lifetimes.
I would have respected him for being honest and he would have been back to winning golf tournaments in no time.
How many of you are tired of being lied to by celebrity assholes? Well look, no one told you to give a shit about them. Go about your business and live your life free of their influence. The sun will rise and set and it will be tomorrow again and again. You might actually have something do that doesn’t involve television.
Don’t worry about lying shitbags. Sure they run the world, but they don’t have to run your world.
Here’s why I would never be a celebrity interviewer. If I’d have sat down with Lance Armstrong my first question would have been “How the fuck do you sleep at night you evil fucker?”
My second question would have been “Have you always been a sociopath or did it creep up on you unexpectedly?”
Boy oh boy this guy is a dickbag of historical proportions. He is fighting for King Of The Mountain of douchbags.
Oprah Winfrey is a mouthpiece for the Brotherhood of Darkness. She politely lets Lance paint his own picture of reality. She frames the picture and like a magician makes us see something that isn’t there. We see a human being, not a Devil.
The truth is that Lance Armstrong is a lying, bully. Case closed.
The Japanese have a tradition of committing suicide when they commit a shameful act. Harakiri might not be a bad idea Lance. I’m just saying. You’d be a role model again. Lance, how about you ride your bike off the rim of the Grand Canyon? And for God’s sake do it at night, alone, and don’t tell anyone.
I read a conspiracy theory that postulated that Lance lied about ever having cancer so he could cover up his doping. If he did, my hat is off to him. That would make him the absolute king of Douchebagville. There would be no higher liar.
Someone asked me if I Lance thinks it was all worth it. I have no doubt he does. He made $100 million riding a bicycle. Whats the worst thing that will happen to him? No jail, no public execution. He’ll give some money back. His team of lawyers have figured it all out. He’ll never lose all of his money. He surely has a boat load stashed away like the psycho despot he is. His squirrel fund has a squirrel fund.
It’s all so fucking depressing. We live in a world where some people will shit in your mouth and make you wipe their ass just so they can get ahead of you in the bank line. It’s insane, but it is hardwired into some of their Reptilian brains. The rest of us good people are just their food. It’s a hard reality to face. One of the more difficult to human realities stomach. But hey, what are you going to do? That’s what beer and weed are for.
These bullies, liars and thieves don’t worry about tomorrow. They don’t worry or give a second thought about a vengeful God dishing out justice in the afterlife. They only take. They know the risk is worth the reward. The rest of us are suckers.
Lance’s charity was a cover for him. It made him money. It made him a good guy. How many of you rubes walked around with a yellow rubber bracelet? Did you drink the kool aid? Dumbass. I never liked Yellow. It’s the color of cowards after all.
Let this be a lesson to you. Doubt everyone. Question everything. And don’t worry about it.